Parenting and Forgotten Grace - part 1
“Salvation belongs to Yahweh.” Jonah 2:9
Young parents and old face an unavoidable contrast. Observing families who's children are repentant and living for Christ, while others have wayward children. As an older parent with children in the latter category, children who are Christ rejecting, there is an intense struggle to properly understand Biblical truth in light of reality -- to reconcile my roll as a Christian parent and the path children choose to live.
Children certainly are a gift that bring great joy. Yet, they may bring severe and unique trials. Because of the pain that oft comes from trials involving children, we moms and dads, must look to God and God alone in order to fully comprehend what is taking place.
As Creator, it is He, the God of the Bible who created moms and dads, sons and daughters. He is the one who created families. Therefore, a full understanding will only come from His Word, as we pray asking the Holy Spirit to illumine our hearts and minds. It may require us to stop listening to the parenting "experts," and listen to and only to, our Creator.
Imaginary Yet Real
Imagine for a moment two Christian families. John and Martha have five children. All five professed and exhibited saving faith in Jesus Christ before leaving home and entering adulthood. The oldest went on to become a pastor and one daughter married and is serving in foreign missions. The other three are living committed lives to the Savior. Then there is Samuel and Liz. They have three children, all adults and none profess Christ. Two of their children have not communicated with their mom and dad in years. The other is distant.
John and Martha are happy to talk about their kids, while Samuel and Liz avoid those conversations. One family may receive praise for having such wonderful kids, while the other may be viewed by fellow Christians with sideways glances and unspoken disapproval.
If asked, both families would readily tell you they did everything possible to shield their kids from the influence of a sinful world in those early years, faithfully attended a Bible believing church, read the Bible to and with them, and taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
It is not difficult to imagine the internal satisfaction of the one family and the silent thoughts of failure and guilt of the other. This imagined scenario is all too real, because we have seen both of these families. In both families there is a strong desire to see their children walking in Christlikeness. Which family then, was faithful to their calling as Christian parents? To answer, let's begin by identifying a common problem.
The Problem
American Christians criterion or standard to measure parental success or failure, all too often is the children. The spiritual state of ones children is what determines the quality of the parents. In other words, it is assumes moms and dads with saved children are successful. And, the moms and dads with unsaved children have, at least in some way, failed. A child's disposition then, becomes the benchmark to evaluate the quality of Christian families.
There is a second problem. When saved children equals good parents, often those parents receive or at least implied, they deserve an element of credit for the salvation of their children. Then, if unsaved children equals failed parents, those parents were an impediment and are to blame, to a degree, for the child's lack of saving faith. Both assume the resulting salvation or lack thereof, in whole or in part depends on the love, ability, skillfulness and work of the parents.
Regarding both of these problems, grace is forgotten or there is a faulty understand of grace. Richard D. Phillips writes with laser focus to address the issue: "It is one thing to know the doctrine of salvation by grace, and quite another to know the grace of the doctrine of salvation" (Reformed Expository Commentary - Jonah).
By What Standard?
The point of this post is by what standard? What is the established rule or model for parenting? What is the authority that governs a Christian's life and that of families?
The standard Christians use to make an evaluation, is all important. When applying a wrong standard, a wrong conclusion will result. Even though all Christian families fall into one or the other or a variation of the above fictitious families, the spiritual condition of children should not be used as a standard or as a benchmark to measure from.
Child Centered
Child centered parenting, can be traced to a worldly psychologized, pragmatic outcome-oriented parenting that came onto the cultural scene a few decades ago. It is a mix of humanistic philosophy and evolutionary theory that focused primarily on external behavior, with no understanding of the spiritual - that people are created in God's image.
It is a matter-of-fact "how to" notion regarding the raising of sons and daughters, that plagues the Christian church even today. It produced a recipe approach and with it, a plethora of "how to" and advice books, podcast and parenting programs in the church.
Most had a heavy emphasis on a practical and pragmatic approach that pays little attention to heart issues. Such as providing a controlled shielded/protected home environment, home structure and schedule, the right education, social oversight, etc. Do this, and if you do enough of it, you will get good kids.
Horizontal Parenting
Parenting becomes a very horizontal self-reliant view, in contrast to a vertical spiritually dependent emphasize. It resembles that of a recipe of "doing," as merely following a set of instructions, a formula or procedure. Such Christian resources though well-intentioned, yet, may be unbiblical. The heart and a fleshly fallen nature of a child is not understood or ignored. Many of these methods and instructions put forth, have a graceless foundation.
This type of pragmatical parenting can be devastating. It subtly moves or shifts trust from God's ability, to that of the parents. It becomes a miss-placed confidence in and reliance on what the "parents do." Because of the inherent desire of Christian parents that wants the best for their children and to see their children saved, this change in focus can be almost imperceptible.
Outcomes focus, shifts to parent's ability and skill, their work and their labor to raise good kids. Along with it, the expectation and goal that parenting correctly applied, a child will come to Christ. This is not to question motives of Christian parents, rather what or in whom they have placed their trust.
One Way
It is precisely at this point, the words of Jonah speak directly to parents: "Salvation belongs to Yahweh" (Jonah 2:9b). These words of Jonah echo those of Psalm 3:8. Using just four words, Jonah stated in no uncertain terms, that there is one narrow way to salvation.
John Calvin rightly comments: "To save is the prerogative of God alone ... it is then to Jehovah that salvation belongs; the work of saving appertains to no other but to the Supreme God." Ephesians 2:5 provides an unarguable reason why the work of salvation can only be performed by God. It describes the spiritual condition of people and children, all are "dead in our transgression" (cf. Romans 6:23). Then the Psalmist points to what only God can do: "God is to us a God of salvation; And to Yahweh the Lord belong escapes from death" (Psalms 68:19). Later in the book of Jonah, this prophet became an eye witness to what only a merciful, gracious and saving God can do.
Who Saves?
God and God alone, sovereignly moves people, including children, to repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. Only by the sacrificial work of Jesus Christ on the cross, who is able to give life to the dead. No sacrifice or skill or deed or technique or method or formula, not even the right motive of the best Christian parents, can transform a sin sick heart nor save a child from the wages of sin. Only one person is able to bring the dead to life. In other words, parents cannot, nor are they able to, save their kids! "Salvation belongs to Yahweh."
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God ... You must be born again" (John 3:3,7). How can this happen? Nicodemus was confused like many parents. How is a person to be born again? "As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God" (John 1:12-13). In order to be clear John is being very specific. Regarding the "how," he first identifies who's will is not involved, "not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man." A clear statement that the will of man and of parents is excluded. There is only one will involved in salvation, it is the divine will ... "but of God."
What A Child Must Do?
When Jesus began His ministry in Matthew 4:17, He issued a very clear command, "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand" (Matthew 4:17). An unavoidable indication that each person has a responsibility and obligation to turn from sin. This same command applies to children. They are called to repent, turn from sin and turn towards Christ. They must receive "Him." Children must "believe in His name."
To illustrate His command, Jesus points out the fact that sick people are the ones who need a physician. People are sick guilty sinners. "I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" (Luke 5:32). Children are born sick and Jesus' call is to them. He is the great physician of the sole (cf. Mark 2:17).
Young or Old
Salvation then is individual, because they and they alone are solely responsible for their own actions and choices and sin. Therefore, children young or old must turn from their sin, in faith toward Jesus Christ who promises to save. "Peter said to them, 'Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call to Himself'" (Acts 2:38-39).
Jesus commanded, then He is comforting: "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it" (Luke 18:16-17).
Crossing The Line
When it comes to outcome based parenting, who does the saving is forgotten along with saving mercy, grace and faith. Outcomes that focus on a child often draws an arbitrary line. It is the "clock is ticking" mentality.
This invisible line marks when a child enters adulthood or leaves home or enters the work world or higher education, etc. That when a child crosses that line and is not saved, it assumes the parents have in some way missed the mark.
The flipside, when a child who profess faith before crossing that line, those parents are viewed as met the mark. In short, such a marker line is not found in Scripture.
Certainly there is a growing up, as one moves from childhood into adulthood. With growth comes an increase moral awareness and long with this awareness, responsibility. From Scripture it is clear what a child must do. However, to create a line that in some way marks a sort of finish line, it creates an unnecessary expectation and burden on parents.
This can lead some parents to assume they "made it" it time. While for others the clock ran out. They are left with a sense they "messed up" and the Word of God has failed (Romans 9:6). These moms and dads can easily slip into hopelessness and despair.
Christians cannot and should not apply a timeline when it comes to a child's salvation.
Parents cannot produce necessary faith. The temptation is to place undue pressure on a child "to do" or make a "decision" when their heart is not ready and likely leads to a false profession. Also, it has the sense of obligating God or limiting His work of grace to a time-frame the parents created.
God's Timeline
Jesus Christ is life. The life giver is God. "God, being rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved ... this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:4-5,8).
This gift comes to a person in according to God's timeline. Of course, we praise God when He gifts a young child with saving grace. And yet, do we give up on a child who has not been given this "gift" before leaving home? Has faith been a waste? Do we then have a right to question God as to why?
We as parent must remember, salvation, this gift, comes not from the parents nor do they determine when. Therefore, as parents we are to set aside our expectations and remember Him, who is the gift giver -- who is always Faithful and True (cf. Revelation 19:11). Jesus is always the object of faith.
The Cause
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead" (1 Peter 1:3). John Murray writes: "Regeneration is the act of God and of God alone. The grace of God is the only efficient cause in beginning and effecting conversion."
It is not a partnership with parents in order to effect a cause. To put it plainly, God does not need parents. God alone is the only cause. As moms and dads, we must understand, we will never be good enough, nor exercise the power necessary to cause life to come to the dead.
It is naïve to imagine that there is something we can do to cause our children to be "born again." The very cause of regeneration is truly monergistic. "In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures" (James 1:18).
People are His creation, therefore "His creatures." By the "will" of Yahweh, by His effort He "brought us forth" through the "word of truth" that produces "fruits."
This very fact displaces any and all worldly notions regarding what constitutes success or failure in parenting. Parents cannot assume or judge themselves or other moms and dads who have grown unsaved children, as failures or that they in some way let their kids down. In the same way for families with saved children. These moms and dads did not save their kids, nor do they deserve any credit for the salvation of their kids.
Solas
In a psychologized world of behavior modification, where it is all about the external and doing something, is graceless. Salvation is by faith alone, by grace alone, in Jesus Christ alone. It is His work. He who enables repentance. It is He who saves. This is completely outside of and beyond any parent’s ability.
A focus on anything other than grace and faith in Jesus Christ is wrong. It denies the very means found only in Jesus Christ that does save. When a child repents, young or old, that repentance comes by way of "His great mercy." He alone is the cause.
Witness' of His Great Work
In writing to the Corinthians, Paul asks a rhetorical question: "For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL DIRECT HIM?" (1 Corinthians 2:16). Of course no man. God chooses who, when and where. Salvation is His choice, whether be in childhood or adulthood. It is His "prerogative." Parents then, are not unlike the angels—mere witness's of God's work. "I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents" (Luke 15:10).
"Yahweh lives, and blessed be my rock; And let the God of my salvation be lifted high" (Psalms 18:46).
As we lift up the God of our salvation, we are to believe, we look by faith to that day when we will jump for joy for what God able do with our children.
What Then Is Parenting?
Parenting is a duty (Romans 12:1-2). As moms and dads, we are duty bound. This duty is one that is owed - as slaves to their owner and Master. Parenting is a calling, a binding responsibility, a moral obligation. It is doing the assigned work of raising our children born to flawed parents. Raising children born into sin. It is a pursuit by faith that works, but parents should not place their trust in or rely on their works (cf. Romans 9:32).
This is a sacred trust, a stewardship, given to a married man and woman. Two people who are now parents, who point to and teach children the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. The Word is to be poured into every aspect of a child's life.
Parenting then, is a willful work, a yielding, an act of submission. It springs from a deep desire of the heart, a selfless and sacrificial love, voluntary offering given in order to honor their Creator, Master and Savior.
Parents indeed have a significant roll in a child's life. "Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of Yahweh" (Psalms 34:11). Charles Spurgeon writes: "Though a warrior and a king, the psalmist was not ashamed to teach children. Teachers of youth belong to the true peerage; their work is honorable, and their reward will be glorious." Parenting is fulfilling an honorable duty, not unlike any other duty God expects from His children.
The Guide
Where then, do we find the guide to parenting? We can safely assume, every Christian parent already has in their hands all that is needed. Yahweh, by the Word of Christ has "granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the full knowledge of Him" (2 Peter 1:3). Notice the word "everything." It means just that, everything. It is all inclusive.
God's Word is the sufficient means to raise children. Parents then, are to teach the "full knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord" (2 Peter 1:2) to their children. Scripture, the Bible, the Word of God has the power to transform lives and it must dominate family life.
Parent’s Mission
The home is a mission field, where the seed of the Word is cast. Parenting is seed planting. It is this seed the Holy Spirit uses. Such planting must be coupled with earnest and urgent prayer. A parent's intercessory plea is to Him who can save. It is a heart cry, that looks to the Creator, that looks with recognition of their utter dependence on Jesus Christ.
It does not trust in themselves or their own abilities, rather trusting in Him who indeed can save. Parents then, must understand their Bibles. Herein lies the work. Moms and dads must equip themselves with Scripture. They are to feed their own souls in order to feed the soles of their children.
Crooked Sticks
"I say to each one among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound thinking, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith" (Romans 12:3). It has been said, God uses crooked sticks to draw a straight line. Has anyone ever met perfect parents? Is there such a thing as Christian parents who never put a foot wrong? An honest answer will admit, such parents do not exist and never have.
Parents will always be painfully aware of their own sin, with a sense of imperfection that runs deep. Even parents with save children, should be amazed at God's grace, being aware of their own crooked imperfection. Older parents and young parents, we must understand; we have and we will, at some point, go wrong in our duty. Fleshly sin is always close at hand.
Faithfully Imperfect
Scripture records an honest account of the lives of real people -- crooked lives, lives dogged by sin. And yet, how many are held up as examples and counted as faithful? Abraham is one example, "You found his heart faithful before You" (Nehemiah 9:8a). Yahweh sees faithfulness. "My eyes shall be upon the faithful of the land, that they may abide with me; He who walks in the way of the blameless is the one who will minister to me" (Psalms 101:6a). Blessings will come to the faithful. Proverbs 28:20: "A faithful man will abound with blessings."
Abraham and Sarah were parents. To know the story of their lives, is to know they were faithfully imperfect.
It Begins Here
Faithfulness in parenting begins when imperfect moms and dads repent turning to Jesus Christ for His forgiveness of their sins. However, it does not stop there. Faithful cooked sticks will oft come to the cross, knowing their ongoing need of mercy, forgiveness and grace. This is the salvation that is ongoing. Why? Because we parents will always come up short, struggling with the sin that is an ever present reality. Because, it constantly reminds us of our unworthiness.
"Blessed are the lowly" (Matthew 5:5a). It is the lowly unworthy parent, who looks to Him who is worthy. The lowly then, are "those who hunger and thirst for righteousness" (Matthew 5:6). These are the faithful parents, though crooked and imperfect. They have a driving desire, a hunger to honor Jesus Christ in all they do. This describes parents with a properly placed hope, "For Your salvation I hope, O Yahweh" (Genesis 49:18). Therefore, trust is properly placed in Him and His grace. This is where hope is found.
Imperfect to Perfect
Yahweh is a God of wonder. It is indeed astonishing, how He uses crooked imperfection to accomplish His perfect will. Salvation indeed belongs to Yahweh. As parents, we plant seeds with trembling hands of love, watered by the tears of our prayers, looking to Him in all dependence and trust.
Yahweh will accomplish what He intends in His time. The Lord who saved by grace mom and dad, is the same Lord that is able save by grace our children - even those children who have long left home.
