“A faithful man will abound with blessings.” Proverbs 28:20

Mom and Dad, did you “fail”? This question is primarily directed to those parents with adult children. To be specific, the aim is Christian parents with unrepentant adult children. Children who turned their back on their upbringing and the love and the sacrifice of their mother and father. Children who reject Jesus Christ and chose to live a sinful life in a sin filled world. This question then, becomes vitally important to these parents and cannot be answered apart from what God has to say.

The Pain

The American notion of "success" is at the root of much guilt, shame, blame, regret, pain and confusion. These words describe the experience and emotions of parents with rebellious adult children. For many, they silently grieve, because so many Christians use a cultural standard to measure success. There is a strong temptation for moms and dads to dig around in the past, endlessly looking for "what did I do wrong?"

Certainly there is a place for examination, "each one must examine his own work" (Galatians 6:4). But, what is it that you are to look for? There is value in understanding past and present sins and failings, and the need for repentance. Why else would we be instructed to "examine" ourselves? Such examination must lead to thankful praise, in the reality of forgiveness in Christ Jesus. Often though, we have a wrong understanding of success in parenting and we forget grace and the atoning sacrifice of Jesus.

The Blame

When grown children turn away, the search for wrong and blame often follows. We live in a culture where there must be someone to blame. Christians attempt to blame other Christians, churches and pastors for the woes in our decaying culture and families. Blame, whether overt or subtle, is much of what we are hearing. Parents are a particular target. This typically results in parents blaming themselves.

The implication is, "If you had done a better job, you would not have lost your children to the world." Similarly, "if pastors had done a better job, so many our teens would not leave the church when they turn eighteen." Such comments embrace, or come close to consequentialism. The focal point is the consequences, the results or outcome of moms’ and dads’ parenting. Thus, pragmatism becomes the guiding principle—and not the Word of God.

Even recently, during a podcast I listened to, the guest pastor's comment echoed this blame. Though well intended, to say that pastors and parents need to do a "better job" with kids, implies that doing "better" will have the desired outcome - a right consequence. This common assumption places a burden on parents they were never intended to carry.

The Exhortation

Of course, all Christians need to do better. Charles Hodge address’ this point, “the actual state of the believer generally falls far short of the ideal. He always lives below his privileges and goes limping and stumbling when he should rise up with the wings of the eagle (The Crossway Classic Commentaries). Frequently Christians are exhorted in Scripture to "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12). "Now having been freed from sin and enslaved to God, you have your benefit, leading to sanctification" (Romans 6:22). "How you ought to walk and please God" (1 Thessalonians 4:1).

Is not this a hallmark of the Christian life? A life lived for Christ is a progressive one. "Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:12). We Christians must "press on," to become more like our Savior. This is our duty and calling (I Timothy 4:7). Indeed, all moms and dads need to do a better - parents who are working out their salvation and increasing in sanctification.

The Question

This raises an important question. Does doing better as parents make our children more acceptable to God? A similar question, does right parenting make children more savable or cause favor in God's sight?

If a person is inclined to answer "yes," then you have to wonder. Is there an extra-Biblical belief system in play? Ephesians 2:1–7 shows that the Lord owes nothing regarding salvation. This includes children raised in Christian homes. "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not of works, so that no one may boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9a).

Moms and dads of saved adult children cannot credit themselves for their good parenting, because it resulted in or caused the salvation of their children. To try to put this plainly, there is no human merit in salvation whatsoever. Since a person cannot merit their own salvation, they certainly cannot merit someone else’s.

This is what “By Grace Alone, Through Faith Alone, In Christ Alone” means.

"Grace, by definition, excludes the slightest hint that human merit contributes to our righteous standing before the most holy and perfect Creator, and faith, which admits our inability to help ourselves and rests wholly on another for salvation, confirms that our works have no power to atone for our wickedness" (“God’s Grace”, Ligonier).

The Command

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). This is a commanded, therefore a duty Christian parents take up with a heart's desire of love, that bring honor and glory to their Creator and Savior. Whom, has entrusted His children to their care.

In light of this command, here is a point to consider. Can any Christian parent say, "I did it completely right?" The answer should be self-evident. Of course parents can and should desire to do a "better job." Even so, moms and dads should never rest on or trust in their own effort. If what the previously mentioned pastor meant, was to encourage parents to press on in their duties by exposing children to the power of the Word, by plainly explaining why sin is evil and their need of a Savior, while looking to and trusting in Yahweh who is the cause of salvation, who indeed can save—then that would be entirely fitting.

The Theology

In some cases, the finger pointing and the compulsion to blame, reveals a theology that belies the teaching of Scripture, e.g. "For you are a holy people to Yahweh your God; Yahweh your God has chosen you to be a people for His own treasured possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth" (Deuteronomy 7:6). It could be said that such blame, at its root, is pointing to Yahweh. We just read that the "holy people," those who are "His own treasured possession," are "chosen" by Him (cf. Matthew 1:21).

Christian parents are tempted to ask, “Why then, did you not choose my son or daughter?" This is the wrong question. It Impugns the character of Yahweh by assuming a wrong intent. Or at least, that He is coming up short according to our expectations. Christian parents must carefully think about the implications of their theology that unjustly points the finger of blame God's direction.

The Faithful

The writer of Proverbs echoed what is found throughout Scripture - faithfulness. Faithful moms and dads is what Yahweh desires. Habakkuk 2:4 puts it concisely, "the righteous will live by his faith" (cf. Hebrews 11:16). Faith and believing that "Salvation belongs to Yahweh" (Jonah 2:9). This is trust. Trusting Him for what we cannot do.

Our model of faithfulness is found in Deuteronomy 7:9: "You shall know therefore that Yahweh your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousand generations."

As parents of adult children, we need to understand this. It is all about faith. And yet, any understanding we have will be imperfect in the working out of our faith (Romans 7:13-25). Meaning, our parenting was flawed at best. "The redeemed are imperfect, so they always need Jesus’ sacrifices and his mercy, but they also persist in loving God and doing good" (Reformed Expository Commentary - REC, Romans 2:6). As J.B. Lightfoot puts it. "If we try to teach the Word faithfully and have an eye to nothing but God's glory and the salvation of souls, then our work will be faithful and sound."

Parenting is first who you are in Christ. What you do follows. We must keep this order in our thinking, even as older parents. The point of Habakkuk, all of life is about faith. Concerning our children, our faith is in Him who can save - "the righteous will live by his faith." Our doing, our duty flows from our faith. We do the work of parenting, while fixing our eyes of Jesus (cf. Hebrews 12:2).

The Criticism

Looking again to J.B. Lightfoot who sums criticism up well; when parents "know that the work they have done in faith and obedience to God pleases him. If others speak evil of it, it does not matter." In this respect, what man thinks of our parenting is immaterial. Though difficult, we have to shrug off our concern regarding what others may think. As Lightfoot pointed out, pleasing God and what He thinks is what matters.

Even our self criticism must be tempered. Certainly, now that we are in our 60's, 70's or older, we have a spiritual maturity we did not have in our 20's, 30’s, or even in our 40's. From that, we can be all the more thankful that Yahweh our God is merciful, full of grace, who has granted us forgiveness through His Son.

The Empty Nest

Our duty as parents does not change, simply because our children are adults. The prayer of salvation for an adult child, is the same as for an infant. We continue to seek opportunities speak Truth, and never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to convict a sinners heart.

An unbelieving 40 year old son, does not present a greater challenge than a 10 year old. Dr. Steve Lawson drives home the point, "God is the one who implants new life within the soul. God must effect a spiritual conception within a child. God must impregnate their heart. In short, God must cause a child to be born again. This was Jesus' point to Nicodemus. For man it is impossible. New birth is God wrought."

Case is point. Recently a pastor, a Bible educated man came to repentance and faith in Christ. That is what our God can do! "Many of us do not expect to see mighty works of God, looking at things as we often do from a strictly human perspective. So we do not expect to see our witness blessed with the salvation of a neighbor or friend [or child]" (Dr. Richard Phillips - REC). As older parents, faithfulness then, must continue in prayer until our last breath.

The Reality

Decades ago, as our the children began to leave home, my wife and I were faced with a new trial - a protracted one for sure. A trial we never expected to experience. The pain of rejection was severe, the thought of looming eternal condemnation of a lost child was horrifying. The struggle was hard, as we had to learn to live with crushed hearts.

In the time since, we came to recognize that our imperfections did not negate our faithfulness to our Lord and Savior. Our children carry within them a moral compass - "the Law written in their hearts [and] their conscience" (Romans 2:15). They are not ignorant. From the earliest years, they were instructed in the Word. In our home, sin was never winked at. The redeeming work and sacrifice of Jesus was always before them.

Even today, years later, they can hear the echoes of the Gospel in their conscience. The seeds planted have not gone away. And at this moment, those children have a mom and dad who have not given up; "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith" (Hebrews 12:2).

We pray constantly for each child, that they will be given eyes to see "the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience." That these "riches" are meant to lead them to repentance (Romans 2:4). With every breath of a child, there is hope. Our God is a BIG God! He is righteous in all His ways. His work is not finished, the book of life is still open. The cry of our hearts is summed up in Psalms 73:25, "Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth." We pray that someday, this will be the heart cry of our children.

The Epilogue

During the writing of these two posts, I exchanged emails with Dr. Tom Ascol of Founders Ministry. From that exchange, Dr. Ascol provided the helpful words of Thomas Fuller, Chaplain to Oliver Cromwell:

A Father’s Hope and Warning - "Lord, I find the genealogy of my Savior strangely checkered with four remarkable changes in four immediate generations. (1) Rehoboam begat Abijah; that is, a bad father begat a bad son. (2) Abijah begat Asa; that is, a bad father begat a good son. (3) Asa begat Jehoshaphat; that is, a good father a good son. (4) Jehoshaphat begat Joram; that is, a good father a bad son. I see, Lord, from hence that my father's piety cannot be entailed; that is bad news for me. But I see also that actual impiety is not always hereditary; that is good news for my son."

"I, even I, am Yahweh, And there is no savior besides Me. It is I who have declared and saved and caused it to be heard." Isaiah 43:11-12